Dare Games
by ThisStatementIsFalse
Summary: The first spinoff in the Misadventures of the RED Team series (aw yeah!) When the RED team get into a fight, the Engineer comes up with a brilliant idea to get along. It doesn't work so well for him.
1. Chapter 1- The Idea

**Hey everybody! :D**

**This idea's been floating around for ages, and so welcome to the first MOTRT spinoff :p**

**Valve owns TF2, not me!**

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Chapter One! The Idiotic Idea

~RED BASE~

It was a quiet night for the RED team. The nine mercenaries – Scout, Soldier, Pyro, Demoman, Heavy, Engineer, Medic, Sniper, and Spy – were all seated in their base central room.

A scene so average simply couldn't last with these idiots around; they had two previous stories to prove it.

Anyhow, everything started with a standard, offhand comment not uncommonly heard when there was no fighting going on;

"I'm bored," Scout announced, dramatically flopping back in his chair. A mere moment later the jumpy merc sprang up again. "Ooh! I know! Let's play catch!"

The team blinked in only half-surprised confusion as the Scout produced a baseball from seemingly nowhere. Selecting his unwitting target, he threw it at the Heavy Weapons Guy.

There was a low, comical _thunk! _as it bonked the man squarely in the forehead. A few unfazed, silent glances around passed. Then Heavy abruptly flew across the room;

"PUNY SCOUT WILL PAAAY!" he vowed at a rather loud yell. Scout legged it and everyone else dodged aside, all too used to this kind of brutality within their own team.

"That escalated quickly…" the Engineer observed, more to himself and his pocket buddy Teddy Roosebelt that anyone else. Pyro nodded a little blankly as it nonchalantly went back to its strangely adorable flowery teacup. Noting this, the Demoman hesitantly asked,

"Seriously, how d'ye even drink?" The masked merc shrugged in vague response, casually ignoring a few laws of physics and taking a sip of tea.

Demoman sighed in defeat then flinched along with the other REDs as a smash echoed from the hallway. Recalling the events of the Great Sandvich Rush, Medic put down the odds;

"If I had money, it vould be on Heavy." Hearing a significantly louder crash and girlish scream, Soldier felt so inclined as to agree with a somewhat half-assed,

"Yup." Before long though the temptation prevailed, "Let's go watch, maggots!"

"Maggot count; one," Spy said with a mature chuckle. Soldier flipped him off then excitably led the RED team to the fight.

At that point the Sniper plodded into the central room noticed everyone was gone. Quickly picking up on the brawl vibes, he glared moodily ahead.

"Really? He mumbled disbelievingly, "I took a half minute jarate break and this 'appened. Wankas prob'ly didn't even notice…" The Sniper took a single step through the door when, with all the grace of Pyro's driving, the Scout launched into the doorframe and promptly landed on his backside.

The look Sniper shot him clearly read 'Mate there are dead robots outside in better shape than you'.

Which totally covers for the lack of continuity, right? What with the robots.

Nevertheless the battered Scout heaved himself up (accidently headbutting the wall) when the Heavy came barrelling down the hall; until the day he died Sniper would curse the place he was unfortunately standing in at the time.

The other REDs pursued their Heavy to find him locked in a freaking death grip with both Sniper and Scout.

Now, Soldier reckoned, if three's a crowd, four _must _be a free-for-all. On that flawless logic, Soldier leapt into the fight.

Evidently the Demoman was drunk enough to want in on the action, until eventually the RED base was a battlefield full of brawling teammates. The baseball sat guiltily in the far corner.

Amidst the UTTER CHAOS, the Engineer and Teddy Roosebelt felt slightly uncomfortable. TR commanded the need for a distraction. Well, either that or Engy's actually as crazy as the rest of 'em.

Regardless the defence class came up with the utmost brilliant, foolproof, ingenious plan of the century.

Little did he know it was in fact the utmost terrible, fail-guaranteed, idiotic idea of _eternity_. And that's a mighty long time span.

The Engineer stepped onto the table in slow motion, and above the din he yelled,

"FELLAS! End with thy nonsense!" He felt self-conscious as everyone turned to face him. What a line… "Instead of fightin' day in and day out, we could, I dunno, play a game or somethin'."

Good God would he regret that statement.

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**Alright lads/lassies, hope you'll stick around to see this go down!**

**Thanks for reading :)**


	2. Chapter 2- The Rush

**You folks are _amazing_, d'you know that? :3**

**Thanks so much for reviewing and stuff already! :D**

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Chapter Two! The Rush

~BASE KITCHEN~

To this day, it is unknown – the eighth wonder of the world – how Engy convinced the team to sit calmly, legs crossed and everything, around the table. The dubious REDs waited, displaying recently inflicted injuries and equally nasty expressions.

Then, breaking the mould by propping both feet on the table, the Scout was first to ask the impending question.

"So uh… what're we doin'?" he avoided various death glares. "Cuz either this's some kinda intervention or you're all tryin' ta kill me…" Heavy seemed game for the latter;

"Oh I do hope so," he stated, cracking his knuckles and making an alarmingly loud crunching noise. He looked to the Engineer for confirmation only to receive an 'I am displeased' scowl.

"_Nooo,_" he sighed lengthfully, hence the emphasised no, "we're just gonna play a friendly game and try t' get on a little."

Soldier wondered why the Hell they would want to get on.

Spy wondered why the Hell he was being forced to interact with these morons.

Demoman wondered why the Hell he wasn't drinking.

"Vhat _sort _of game?" Medic asked cautiously, recalling that fateful day he threw a hissy fit over a simple game of snap. He definitely called it first. He knew he did.

"D'we all have to participate?" the Sniper added tediously.

"Humour me at least." Engy pouted. "It's real simple- y'gotta pick someone, an' dare 'em to do somethin'." The team perked up, a tad overeager. The possibilities… Ahem.

The Engineer considered for a moment;

"Say, I dunno, Scout. I dare ya-" insert mischievous grin – "to down a sixpack of Bonk!"

The mercs' heads swivelled to their teammate in question, who was already dashing to the fridge like a lunatic. He returned swiftly to the table and plonked the cans at its centre.

Twitchy with anticipation, the Scout hopped onto the table, crowded immediately by the other classes. He grabbed the first radiation-yellow can and pulled the tab in earnest.

DARE ACCEPTED. DARE BEGIN.

"_Chug! Chug! Chug!_" Soldier, Demoman and Sniper chorused, and Scout obliged. As he gulped down the first drink the earlier hostility magically evaporated; the nine of them even cheered excessively as the hyper wee merc slammed the empty can on a spontaneous coaster. (?)

Scout started on the next Bonk! whilst the Spy examined the second one;

"Hm. 'Water, radiation, and sugar'," he read, "Engineer you likely _have _killed him. Bravo."

The ignorant team gave him about as much attention as an Übercharged guy gives a bullet and continued to shout.

"_DRINK MAGGOT!_" Soldier screeched. Attempting to yell over him, the Medic cried;

"YOU'RE TOO EXCITED!" This proved true for Heavy also, who was simply screaming incoherently.

During this the Scout drained the second can, threw it jerkily over his shoulder and reached for another.

"THIS IS SO AWESOME!" he proclaimed. Good God he looked like crap at that point. Sugar, kids, watch out for it. This time he smashed the empty can against his forehead for some unspecified reason. "WHOO!"

Pyro launched three flares in the background, deciding on a whim it would keep a tally. Scout cracked open the forth atomic punch and downed it in seconds, accompanied by the Demoman's encouragement;

"Atta boy! What could go wrong from this!?"

Another flare; another dousing of radiation. Before long, with cans all over the room, Scout had chugged the entire sixpack.

"Woah mate, y'look awful," Sniper observed with a less than polite smirk. "…Where'd ya go?"

Everybody whipped around to see the Scout had all but teleported behind them, voice deepening a smidge as he sorta giggled;

"Let's go on an adventure!" Suddenly he was zipping about the room, pitch rising considerably as he queried, "Ooh what's _that_? What is THAT… No, the other thing?"

When the REDs next blinked Scout was hanging from the ceiling light; "Fact: Bonk! is fulla radiation!"

He cackled manically and abruptly fled. The blank mercs exchanged puzzled glances, musing things such as,

"Should we stop him?"

"_Can_ we stop him?"

"I like hats."

And other peculiar thoughts.

By this point the RED Scout had done a lap of the base and next appeared on the second floor. A heartbeat later he nipped back down the stairs and popped up in front of the just-decided-to-mobilise team.

All they saw was a tower of at least twenty hats with Scout under them, and the mercs collectively flinched.

"Whoosh." Scout vanished again, leaving a small wake of headgear; one landed on every member of the team.

Pyro – making no move to take off Heavy's toupé – had a rare brainwave and developed the idea as Spy commented;

"Is it only me or is this _more _terrifying than the caffeine rush?" No one replied because Pyro suddenly sprung up victoriously into the air to announce its plan.

They were going to build A TRAP.

"I don't see how this could possibly fail!" Soldier was saying ten minutes later. Their contraption was of simple design; ideally, Scout would be lured by the bait, run down the designated hallway, and straight into the pitfall. Pitfall?

"Vhy, pray tell," Medic stared at the trap distastefully, "did you dig a pitfall through the floorboards?"

"To catch Scout, duh," the Demoman responded plainly. Heavy seemed perplexed;

"And why are we doing that?" After a lengthy pause, the Sniper came up with the obvious solution.

"For kicks more than anythin'."

In the meantime, Scout was down to five hats and the Heavy's fairy wings as he dashed horizontally along the walls. For some reason he couldn't stop smiling and he forgot to breathe once in a while, but he was adamant this wasn't a problem.

Phasing into a hallway, he abruptly skidded to a halt. A pancake sat casually at the end of the hall.

Hiding in various rooms on either side, the other mercs made weird faces as they mentally willed Scout toward the trap.

It would seem they had mind control powers because Bonk Boy rushed for the bait; right over the freaking pitfall. Literally flew over it. Damn.

Soldier for one was more than a tad pissed at that and he angrily attempted to spear Scout to the ground- apparently he forgot about the trap.

Watching said spectacle unfold, the Engineer murmured;

"Oh please, _please _do not rocket jump outta there…" Scout poofed into existence beside him, nomming the pancake.

"Screamin' eagles!" he whispered creepily, darting away just as swiftly. Sure enough;

"SCREAMIN' EAGLES!" the Soldier cried.

Some severe structural damage later, the team decided to move on; bring on the next dare!

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**Good times, eh? ;)**

_**I wonder if anyone can pick up on the reference in there somewhere**_

**Right, cuz these chapters are longer I likely won't manage daily updates, but I'll try :p**

**Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3- The Slide

Chapter Three! The Slide

~CENTRAL ROOM~

The RED Scout, assuming he was on a scale, had quite unexpectedly shifted from 'BONKBONKBONK' to 'meh'.

His teammates however remained wary in case the sugar rush acted up again. Nevertheless it was with great expectations the REDs gathered to continue their game.

"So now," Engy was saying, "it's Scout's turn to dare someone at somethin'."

More than happy to double jump at this opportunity, the Scout briefly surveyed the room. No matter how much effort Heavy put into avoiding eye-contact with him, the dare-master managed it.

"Heavy." The Scout beamed, savouring the following moment, "I dare ya-" everyone leaned forward in anticipation- "to go sledgin' without snow down a giant hill!"

The mercs collectively gave an evil grin as the Heavy grumbled in self-pity. He wondered if this had been subtly foreshadowed in a previous story.

The mercs in fact had a splendid place nearby for the Heavy Weapons Guy's dare to get underway. Not too far North of their proud (disclaimer; ugly and battered) base was a snow-less hill, a ridiculously tall landmark the REDs tended to blatantly ignore. Before they headed over there though, they needed a sledge.

"Y'could use the intel case," Demoman suggested, "thing's indestructible!" Soldier stuck his hand up;

"Ooh! Oh, I know!" He actually resembled a schoolboy. "We take a chunk of the roof, right-"

"No, no we don't." Spy cut in flatly, making Soldier pout. Sniper appeared to have a genuinely decent idea;

"'ang on a sec…" He left the room and soon returned, presenting an object to Heavy. "Use the razorback!"

Heavy accepted the item and examined the thing. It was a wooden shield, intended for back protection; it looked quite traditional. Until one saw the car battery taped to it.

"Alvays gave Spies a shock, zhat shield. AH HA HA!" No one laughed along with poor Medic. "Ja, okay…"

The team disapprovingly shook their heads at the pun, then followed Heavy outside. Pyro, ever the nice wee fire demon (?), asked something like 'You nervous?'

"Not really. Just another of many testicles in life."

…

"…Zhat is not the plural of 'test', Heavy…"

The language Heavy used next is probably inappropriate, so use your imagination.

With that embarrassing water under the bridge, the RED mercs began a purposeful walk toward the impending hill of doom. Each dramatic, dust-cloud raising stride brought the team closer to ensured hilarity, at least for the insensitive majority of them.

Why hadn't they decided to wait until morning to do this? Guaranteed failure on Heavy's part.

They reached the base of the hill and stared in awe; that was a crap-ton steeper than they remembered. The Heavy sighed in resignation and shouldered on the razorback.

"Ya best get climbin', fatass," Scout sniggered, protected by the law of the dare master from Heavy's wrath. With little choice but to do so, Heavy began to scale the hill.

For reasons unknown the Medic pulled out his bone saw and played it like a violin as background music. Not to be outdone, Engy joined in with his guitar until they had a respectable (albeit strange) tune going on. Ignoring this, Soldier shouted over it;

"Hurry up and _CLIMB_! We wanna see the sledging bit!"

Evidently the team agreed because all of them drew various weapons and chased Heavy with bullets and arrows and things, making Medic and Engy play faster to keep up with Heavy-trying-to-save-his-ass-Weapons-Guy.

"IF I SURVIVE I WILL BE COMING FOR YOU COWARDS!" Heavy yelled in caps lock. Then he took an arrow to the butt. "Ow."

Thankfully for him that ended up being the motivation that got him to the summit. IT WAS TIME.

Heavy groaned ('why me') and figured out how best to do this. Below, Sniper was wondering if they should've removed the car battery. Ah well. Heavy meanwhile had the razorback balanced precariously on top of the hill.

After some awkward manoeuvring the merc plonked his behind on the 'sledge' and mentally prepared himself for the test ahead. The high wind decided he didn't deserve the chance.

"Who knew Heavy could scream that high pitch…" Engy mumbled, gaping along with the rest of the team.

Picture a tragic internet video of a dog holding their head out a car window. That was basically Heavy's facial expression.

"So Engeh killed Scout, and he killed Heavy." Demoman summarised drunkenly, sounding a wee bit proud of himself.

"Scout is alive and standing right next to you…" Spy informed him. "Maybe you should lie down." However they all interrupted by a clatter above them. Uh oh.

So, Heavy was airborne for a second there. Ramp-like rocks always lead to fun- at least that's what folk _said_.

He crash landed back onto the hillside, and unfortunately the car battery didn't respond well. Electrocuted Heavy twitched in a style that rivalled caffeine Scout in intensity.

"He's really pickin' up speed…" Sniper noted with a touch of anxiety. Heavy continued to plough toward the ground, such enough gradually getting faster.

He was nearly halfway down when the spent razorback gave out, but the poor merc kept going minus the sledge.

~PYROLAND~

The plastic, rainbow kiddie slide seemed to stretch on for miles. Pyro found itself a tad jealous of its laughing, joyous teammate, but the Balloonicorn was very understanding. It smiled with awesomeness.

~REALITY~

"OW MY ASS!" Heavy wailed in such a manly way he could've gone and sprouted a moustache. But he didn't. He was much too busy overbalancing and performing the rest of his journey face first.

Oh jeez mind that rock- uh, never mind…

Scout tried – he _really _tried – not to laugh. But it was both impossible and infectious. As dear, abused leetle Heavy ground to a halt in a perfect plank impersonation, the entire team failed to stifle their giggles; which only escalated when the broken halves of the razorback landed on his prone self.

Still, they were a team; granted, a dysfunctional one, but a team nonetheless, so the mercs unceremoniously dragged him back to the base.

And now they were both excited for and dreading the third dare.

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**Way to go guys, Scout made a Portal reference last chapter :P**

**Thank you for all the reviews! The RED team are gonna swing by your house and high five you m'kay :D**


	4. Chapter 4- The Fail

Chapter Four! The Fail

~HEAVY'S ROOM~

After referring to their scruffy, inaccurate, hand drawn base map, the RED team eventually led Heavy to his room. He needed the lie down, badly.

The Scout, however, failed to look even remotely guilty as the biggest merc glared into his soul. He turned to address the Engineer;

"Can I dare Scout to let me kill him?" Taken aback slightly, Engy replied;

"Uh, no. Y'gotta pick someone new." With that the mercs busied themselves being total kiss asses.

"I will get pillows!" Soldier announced, bolting from the room. They have pillows…?

"I'll, uh, make… tea," Sniper excused himself, and Pyro followed with an 'I'll come with!'

This ideally left everyone else lacking an escape route; they had surprisingly little imagination. Thus Heavy considered his options. The power he currently held was, well, remarkable.

He could hath vengeance upon cruel teammates, or alternately he could mess with a friend. As his eyes found the shamelessly-cowering Medic he opted for the latter. This was despite the Medic's attempts at objective telepathy;

"_Oh great Administrator in the sky please don't pick me pleasedon'tpickme-"_

"Doctor!"

"Aw, *German cuss word oh my*"

By this time the Soldier had returned with a hoard of dingy pillows and within seconds he constructed a small fortress. Deciding not to mention there wasn't need to suck up anymore, the team wordlessly huddled inside.

Heavy thought about his dare as the Sniper and Pyro arrived bearing tea. For the record it probably wasn't the most feminine time the mercs shared together.

Now happily aware it was safe for the moment, Pyro asked what the dare was. Heavy suddenly put on a proud demeanour, seemingly chuffed with what he'd chosen;

"Medic," he boomed, "I dare you to arm wrestle…" Here he paused for effect. "Saxton Hale!"

OH NO HE DIDN'T.

The Medic could do nothing but freeze in horror as tremors shook the already flimsy foundations of the base. Pyro whimpered and somehow extended its arms to envelope the entire team in a hug.

Everyone paused to give it a 'bro srsly' look when the pillow fort caved in on them.

"H-he's here…" Demoman gulped in the voice he used when respecting Nessie's awesomeness. Such enough;

"THIS PARTY JUST GOT CRASHED BY SAXTON HAAALE!" The legendary Hale himself busted through the ceiling, making the tea and pillows suddenly evaporate. The Spy just about shrieked;

"Argh it's the Jarate Master! NOOO!"

Saxton, radiating a somewhat self satisfied aura, merely grinned. Wait. There was nothing mere about it.

"It's so… freakin'… bright…" Scout commented, sounding mystified. Saxton surveyed the room of REDs.

"Why exactly am I here anywho?" He enquired casually. Then he punched a wall simply because he could.

"Er…" Medic involuntarily stood, so forced by the dare. "Vell, I uh, I have to challenge you to an, um, arm wrestle."

Saxton of Hale turned to face the smaller merc. His laughter reached Pluto and magically restored it to 'planet' status. Somewhere in the base Archimedes was already mourning his owner.

"Hm, a challenge? ACCEPTED!" He leapt with the grace and power of a cat after an energy drink marathon straight out the hole in the roof. The Sniper adjusted his hat, awkwardly saying;

"We meant to follow 'im, or…?" With a shrug the Scout double jumped onto the roof, and Heavy chucked everyone else after him. No one actually saw how he got up himself.

Regardless the nine mercs arrived to see the Great And Powerful Saxton Hale had assembled some fancy form of arm wrestling arena. Why the Hell was a lion sitting next to it…?

Saxton hovered expectantly beside a table. With a helpful shove from Soldier, Medic stumbled to join him.

Medical licence or no, the Medic certainly had a working knowledge of the human body; he was painfully aware of the impending, heh, pain. Still, he was either highly determined to do this dare or even crazier than we realised, because he took his place.

Saxton plonked defiantly down opposite him and the lion actually flinched in pure terror and awe.

"State your name and class!" Mr Hale commanded, either as friendly banter or he was looking for some kinda weakness.

"Vell, I'm Medic. I'm a Medic." Medic told him, his name and class. Saxton Hale appeared enlightened. Then it began- the arm wrestle began.

Hale raised his hippie-punching arm and Medic his bone saw wielding one. As they engaged in the default wrestling grip the author had to take a quick break _there was so much badassery. _Then she returned to write this. Yeah.

Medic made the first attack- throwing all the strength he could muster into the move. It wasn't very effective. Saxton Hale The Awesome yawned hugely and otherwise remained fully still.

Medic grumbled and strained his arm again, practically bearing his teeth. The other mercs watched on blankly. The Medic proceeded to make a peculiar 'Nnneh' noise of effort and try again.

And again. And once more.

Hale sat calmly, giving the view some occasional glances. Medic looked so pathetic at that particular moment the team figured they would help. But how?

Scout was out of Bonk, Heavy had no Sandviches, and nothing else tactical rushed to mind either. So they dashed to the infirmary and had a hurried search around; they came across a vial labelled 'Übercharge One'. Hm…

The Medic was momentarily distracted when something jabbed his back. He immediately started glowing.

"Vhat zhe…? You- you just injected me vith zhe Übercharge prototype, didn't you?"

The team shifted uncomfortably.

Opting to ignore the impending side effects, Medic boldly returned to his dare. The Über boosted his strength significantly; _Saxton's arm moved an inch back toward the table._

Then of course Hale applied a little pressure, and Medic's efforts were shattered as he was brutally flung off the roof. Saxton Hale saluted the mercs then disappeared along with the lion.

"…I'll go set up the respawn teleporter," Engy offered, shuffling away.

Next dare time?

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**Gosh. That was... did that really happen...?**

**Just about keeping up with the daily updates, doing my best here :p**

**Thanks for the read and reviews everyone! :D**


	5. Chapter 5- The Unveil

Chapter Five! The Unveil

~SECOND FLOOR BALCONY~

The RED mercs, in a futile attempt to block the previous chapter from their minds, had climbed to the sniping platform for some fresh air. Medic, returned from respawn, experimentally tried to lift his arm (which Saxton had somehow managed to sign) to no avail.

He pointedly sat at the other end of the line than Heavy. The Heavy was too busy to notice; Scout was in the process of tricking him into leaning forward on the hope he would fall off.

The attempt was interrupted by the Spy;

"So," Lengthy pause. "That was eventful. At least he didn't jarate you."

Sniper didn't say so aloud but he thought a little jar based karate would be the perfect way to erase Spy's irritating smirk.

It was more than likely everyone had a similar thought in mind.

"…I forget. Wha' just happened?" The Demoman wore the expression of someone who'd just woken up.

"Huh. Heavy drinkin' _is _good for you then," the Soldier reasoned. The team lazily nodded approval.

They lounged there, feet dangling off the balcony, for less than a minute, but Scout was quickly impatient;

"C'mon, doc, what's the next dare!?" he blurted, almost toppling off the edge himself. Heavy giggled like a child because frankly he found that hilarious. However there was no answer from the Medic.

Engy, located beside him, gave the doctor a nudge. Then _he _began to fall.

"OH JESUS SORRY." The Engineer caught him and lifted the unresponsive merc back up. Heavy had the answer;

"He though too hard again. Will be back soon." So they waiting for all the span of five seconds when Medic sprung up like that time he meddled with Spy's sapper.

"I'VE GOT IT!" he announced with a fanfare. He proceeded to spin around until finding a particular teammate. "Pyro!" The Pyro looked at him in alarm. "I dare you to take off your mask!"

Pyro didn't hesitate to tell them that that wouldn't be happening. And it quickly saw the road this chapter would be going down. Pyro always loved a good chase scene.

"Get 'im! Her… it?" Sniper trailed off uncertainly. Pyro meanwhile haphazardly launched itself off the roof; it landed with a sickening crunch yet ran away seemingly fine.

Too stupid to ponder the implications, the RED team jumped carelessly after it. Simultaneously.

"How in the Hell did this happen?" the Demoman sighed. The mercs had landed in a rather decent human pyramid. Which basically meant everyone was standing on Heavy.

"Ten," the announcing voice rated, breaking out a canned applause. The team bowed then set to chasing their Pyro.

Pyro, knowing it couldn't outrun Medic, never mind Scout, figured it should hide.

~PYROLAND~

"Hey, Pyro!" the Balloonicorn summoned its friend, "They'll never find you here!" Pyro skipped after the inflatable unicorn in all its colourful splendour, and laughed with glee at the hiding spot.

The Pyro hopped into the huge sweetie cupboard and admired the items resembling its rainblower. Pyro and Balloonicorn huddled in amongst the abundance of sugar in wait.

~REALITY~

The door of the munitions room clicked shut moments before the REDs arrived in the hallway.

"Pyro couldn't've gotten far…" Soldier brandished his shovel and rotated on the spot. Pyro tried not to snigger, suddenly enjoying the game of hide and seek. Engy seemed conflicted;

"This is a bit mean, really…" The team glared at him. "But- uh, you guys did your dares so I reckon Pyro's gotta…"

With that the team exchanged a few pointless nods then dispersed in any old direction.

The Pyro waited tensely and (presumably) swapped smiles with its Balloonicorn. It jiggled excitably in place as footsteps sounded and halted outside the door. They were ready.

The unsuspecting Spy unsuspectingly reached for the munitions room door handle. He'd barely opened it a crack when who but Pyro exploded into the hallway, full on rugby tackled Spy and sprinted down the corridor.

Noticing the above event, Scout briefly pranced in front of Spy to chant;

"Spy fell on his ass, Spy fell on his aaass!" Then he rushed after his fellow offense class. Pyro however had nipped up the stairs, whereas Scout went right past them.

Although someone had anticipated this.

~PYROLAND~

The Pyro crept onto the second floor and quietly tailed the Balloonicorn around a corner. It did not foresee what was about to go down.

"ARGH!" a voice shouted, and a RED kiddie wearing a helmet came flying from a nearby door.

"Soldier no!" wailed the Balloonicorn, echoed in a muffled fashion by Pyro.

Pyro, thinking quickly, pulled out its mini rainblower (a lighter) to distract Soldier with happiness. Within seconds he was positively glowing with joy.

Pyro used the opportunity to flee! The commotion had attracted the rest of the kids though, and Pyro's inflatable pal was out of ideas. This led Pyro to its FINAL PLAN.

Which meant it grabbed the lollypop at its belt and charged at the nearest window. A trail of rainbows billowed behind Pyro, and each glorious, bright step propelled it closer and closer to… freedom.

So it was one Helluva buzzkill when kiddie Medic grabbed Pyro's ankle, making it faceplant. The team immediately piled on, screaming with laughter.

~REALITY~

The shouting and fighting mercs pinned Pyro down with nothing aside from the dare in mind. I'm fairly certain Pyro was pouting.

Heavy, being the big lad, wrestled Pyro's mask off, to unveil…

Another mask.

"Aw, what the Hell is this crap!?" Scout cried in the heartbeat Pyro flipped everyone the bird and vanished.

Well. That's a strange one.

Dare five please!

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**What? Did anyone _really _think they were gonna see Pyro? :p**

**Thanks for reading! :D**


	6. Chapter 6- The Jump

**Don't you worry Wepul, it's gonna be awesome :p**

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Chapter Six! The Jump

~CENTRAL ROOM~

Good old amiable Engy was always nice to everyone, so, naturally, they were complete jackasses in return.

"Y'want me to _what _now, Pyro?" the Engineer swallowed nervously. Pyro suddenly whipped out an electronic translator (da heck?) and soon a robotic female voice repeated the dare;

"You need to pole vault a river, En-gin-eer."

The other mercs couldn't help but grin at their teammate's misfortune. Pyro chortled behind its mask, and the translator was never seen again.

"Wait- we ain't got a river!" Scout pointed out. Sniper looked quizzically at him;

"I'm surprised he noticed that." Scout frowned, wondering if that was an insult. "Still," the Sniper went on, "'e's right. And – no offense Engy – I kinda really want this to happen."

"Agreed. WE NEED A RIVER MAGGOTS!" Guess who said that. Soldier rocker jumped through the ceiling.

"Why on Earth is everybody doing that!?" Spy sounded mildly exasperated. "Hang on, he just went to the second floor-" Another chunk of roof crashed down as Soldier leapt to freedom.

Spy then used a _certain kind _of French. The REDs weren't keen on that, being in a K+ fic and all.

Regardless, the eight of them (Engy was having a woeful sit down) went in search of a river. Without being consulted, most of the mercs were sticky jumped to the roof.

"I'm not even sorry," Demoman beamed, chugging back another drink. Everybody collectively sighed;

"Oh, Demo!" with severely exaggerated shrugs. The Engineer facepalmed.

"Comrades!" Medic abruptly called, a memory smacking him in the forehead, "Zhere vas a river in approximately the fifth section of our journey!" Heavy recalled very well;

"Yes, river I _nearly died in_." The Scout waved him off, saying,

"Y'were fine, ya big wuss. Snipes did that badass slow mo shot." Sniper smiled fondly at that recollection.

"Fellas, that river's across the ocean," Engy informed them from two floors down, relieved, "seems as though we can't go through with the dare oh-what-a-shame."

It was a shame. It was such a shame time slowed down, making a conscious effort to disallow dawn from arriving. A particular someone didn't care for that, and he _could _get them across the ocean.

"SAXTON HAAALE!" One superior punch later the RED mercenaries were skimming the clouds in a sloppy formation. Engy and Heavy were somehow wearing their respective wings.

"This is quite a turn of events." The Spy mused absently, noting they were rapidly losing altitude.

Conveniently their course was in fact directed straight at the river.

Inconveniently the fact they had no means of landing safely had not been taken into account. Crash.

Meh, what's a few broken bones to battle-hardened mercenaries? Apparently it's a signal for excessive whining. Nevertheless they eventually found their feet and gave the area a looksee.

Yup; this was the place- same collapsed wee wooden bridge, same pleasant woodland across it, same river CHURNING ITS EVIL DEPTHS below. Yup, the Engineer lamented. This was the place.

Pyro sweetly told him to go find something to pole vault with, consulting something over its shoulder nobody else could see. The others waved in a friendly manner as Engy trudged away. After a couple of seconds Sniper's thoughts encountered a problem;

"If, uh, if Engy dies, y'do realise we'll have to do the journey again?" There was a startled, uncomfortable silence that gave the whole 'ooh tension' atmosphere. Then the Soldier said,

"Engy won't die! This dare is _real _safe!" The Engineer returned with a stick and flimsy copper pipe. "…Real safe." Engy was less confident than him;

"I'm gonna die." He tested the stick and watched it instantly break. "Aw." This regrettably left the defence class with the copper pipe of questionable strength. "'Have a dare game', I thought. 'That's a great idea', I thought."

The grumbling Engineer led the team to the bridge. The eight of them used the bridge remains as a viewing platform, perching on the wooden supports. Engy took several paces back and stared dubiously at the water;

"How far _is _that?" The Scout gave the river a totally expert survey.

"Eh, far enough. Take a run up hardhat." Engy stepped back a bit further. He psyched himself up for a moment, and everyone cheered as he took off; Pyro sent a flare or two skyward.

Teddy Roosebelt unhappily snuggled deeper into Engy's ammo belt. Oh Mann, slow mo time again. Being an Engineer, the RED had pretty good judgment even in real-speed-time, and he reckoned he could take about twelve strides before he hit the river.

_One. _Alright, here goes.

_Two_. Maybe it won't be that bad.

_Three_. The jump could potentially be possible.

_Four_. Couldn't it?

_Five_. Holy Hell this was impossible.

_Six_. POSITIVE THINKING.

_Seven_. *Internal crying*

_Eight_. Slow motion sucks.

_Nine_. No backing out though.

_Ten_. And the counting ain't helping.

_Eleven_. I'M SORRY TEDDY!

_Twelve_.

The Engineer planted the pole in the earth with a cry of 'I REGRET NOTHING' which may or may not have been a lie. And in Engy's moment of soaring glory- the copper pipe bent immediately.

The Engineer flew a full three feet. Note; the river was significantly wider than that. The perfect right angle of copper teetered above the torrent for a half a nerve-racking second. Then like a train off a bridge in super hero movies, Engy fell.

The other mercs hopped off the supports and scampered to the edge.

"'Ere, Sniper, now'd be a fine time ta' be a badass again." Demoman acknowledged. Sniper shrugged and obliged.

With another tree branch down and a sodden Engineer rescued, the RED classes had a rest on the river bank. Each of them tallied the pros and cons rising thus far from the dare game; those who had come out unscathed seemed to be having fun, but the others…

"How vill ve get home zhen?" Medic finally voiced the question. Soldier stood;

"Easy," he grinned, "_grab my grenade belt._"

* * *

**How this chapter came into being;**

**Me: Hey Dad? If you had a mate who was an Engineer, and you could dare him to do _anything_-**

**Dad: Pole vault a river with a copper pipe that bends really easily**

**Me: ... 'Kay**

**Hey Dad look I'm on the Internet! :D**

**Thanks for reviewing everyone! You lot are the best! :3**


	7. Chapter 7- The Party

Chapter Seven! The Party

~CONSIDERABLY BEAT UP RED BASE~

Morning had finally arrived over the RED base; the sun got off its ass and clambered into the sky. The mercs had snatched a five minute nap while flying across the ocean.

Then of course they crash landed, further battering their base. It was a complete wreck at this point; a lot of the roof and several walls were down, a suspiciously a fair few facilities were on fire.

Not that that mattered any. There were dares to be done! Partially because Engy was just about unconscious and partially because he already had a turn, somebody else needed to step up.

Now, unbeknownst to the reader, a bit of a scrap was going on in the background. The Soldier and Demoman were at it again; the former still refused to believe Scotland exists. Which is primarily why this happened;

"A'right Sol," the Demoman suddenly teleported into the middle of the room, as to be the centre of attention. "That's it! I dare YOU-" here he pointed directly at Soldier- "t'go to a hippie convention _wearing a kilt_."

The Scout, Sniper and Pyro immediately chorused 'OHHHH…' Soldier blanched;

"…You're serious?" Demoman smiled sweetly at his teammate;

"As serious as a drunken guy can be, lad." Oh Hell. This can only end well.

For whatever reason (probably best not to know) the Demoman knew there was such a thing as a hippie convention and one was on in the city this very day. The mercs gathered in the central room and used the Eureka effect, just like old times.

~RED RESPAWN (CITY ONE)~

The nine men stepped out of resupply and into the city. The Soldier followed from a moody distance, fairly certain this kilt wasn't his colour. The immature classes were teasing him again.

He suddenly noticed something different about a particular suit-wearing support class;

"When'd you man up and grow a beard, Spy?"

Spy absently stroked his oversized beard with the devilishly hidden camera in it.

"I assure you I have no idea what you mean," he replied innocently. Soldier had taken enough blows to the head to believe this blatant lie and he merely tailed the team with some low ranting.

Around them, civvies scattered to the far side of the street, all too familiar with the crazy guys from the past. Although there hadn't been one in a kilt last time; that was a new factor.

The Soldier threatened to challenge anyone who came too close. Demoman just loved the day more and more.

However as they rounded a corner, guided by a random 'hippie convention' sign, the mercs froze.

"Oh crap." Scout summarised accurately, for dead ahead stood a line of nine BLU classes. The Sniper (RED one) whistled;

"Christ Soldier, y'were right. The BLUs _are _hippies…" It would seem fortune favours the stupid because the BLUs' backs were turned to the REDs. Although, "…Soldier?"

The mercs spun to see their Soldier was missing. He only reappeared when the BLUs strode into the convention, asking if they'd seen him.

"No, zhey didn't," Medic answered with a sigh. "Vhy? You aren't _scared _are you?" Heavy piled on;

"Soldier is coward!" The Soldier apparently felt the need for a defiant shout of;

"I am NOT scared!" Then Pyro suddenly held up a flag reading 'Prove it.' Soldier saluted, "That I shall!"

The team blinked as he bolted after the BLUs into the convention. When several seconds of awkward silence passed the REDs wordless established they weren't going after him, and the Engineer suggested;

"W'could climb the fire escape on that there building to watch." Being exceptionally childish, Scout and Pyro full on sprinted for the ladder before the sentence even finished. The pair of them were settled on the roof in deckchairs before the others were even halfway up.

Meanwhile the RED Soldier strutted somewhat grumpily into the convention, which was set in what looked like a football pitch. Of the ex-football pitch variety.

The first thing Soldier noticed was how few people there were; literally ten at best besides him and the BLUs. Even twenty, let's go with that.

Which, Soldier realised miserably, meant the BLU hippies would soon see him. Unless, that is, he was able to _blend in_. What the Hell did these conventions entail? What actually was it hippies did?

As usual the Soldier had no idea, so – as usual – he made a spur of the moment decision. PARTY HARD.

"Hey, what's Solly doin'?" Scout paused his and Pyro's game of noughts and crosses to peer down at Soldier. Sniper looked through his scope and immediately wished he hadn't. He put the rifle down;

"Uh. I- I dunno."

At some point Soldier must have changed hats, and now the fashionable 'hat with no name' doubled up his stern expression. But damn, could that merc party.

He performed an adapted version of the Rocket Jump Waltz, which – for the record – should not be done in a kilt… Yeah.

The Soldier thought he fitted in quite nicely. I can guarantee you anybody else would beg to differ. The BLU team, for example.

They couldn't fight at a hippie convention, now could they? Didn't stop the BLUs from mocking Soldier, yet neither side made a move to attack; impolite, see. So Soldier was left defenceless with no way to protect his American honour, when heart warming classical music began to play in the background.

Then out of nowhere the RED team appeared and strode epically to Soldier's side, and struck dramatic poses.

"No one's gonna mess with our teammate," Engy informed the BLUs, over annunciating 'teammate' because that was the key emotion-provoking word. "'Cept us."

Soldier rotated to face the team with a massive smiley on;

"Maggots," he addressed them affectionately. Then he got really out of character, "What an incredible experience. I feel-" Soldier can _feel_ – "that this hippie convention has helped us all learn the values of team work."

The team smiled with an air of acceptance and moved in for a group hug. But then,

"Oh he has got to be a Spy," RED Spy smacked Soldier upside the head with a two by four, and the music cut out. "…Hm. He wasn't. My bad."

With that the REDs forgot the bonding moment and went home.

The BLUs remain traumatised to this day.

* * *

**Everyone stay up to watch the Saxxys last night? They were awesome! :D**

**Anywho, hope you liked the randomosity that was this chapter :)**

**Thanks for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8- The Stand

Chapter Eight! The Stand

~RED BASE GARAGE~

Because the so-called 'respawn teleporter' was in the base garage, the team decided it would be easier to stay there. Soldier was unconscious, after all.

Spy tried to feel guilty whenever his eyes met that two by four shaped mark on his teammate's noggin, but it simply couldn't be done.

"So," Engy said, breaking everyone from their thoughts, "how many crimes have we committed in that city now?" Some internal musing later, the team found the answer to be quite a lot.

"'S'not like they were 'specially _bad _things though." The Demoman shrugged, as if such an action helped his case.

"Stole food, stole a newspaper, _assaulted _people vith paper, set a school on fire, trashed a bar, crashed a truck _into a medi clinic, _'tampered' vith a car, got a dentist sued, stole nine bikes, stole a minibus and now near blew up a hippie convention." Medic listed the offenses. The mercs gaped at him.

"You gotta get out more, man," Scout told him. But don't go now, Medic, there's a dare to be done!

For hopefully obvious reasons, the KO'd Soldier couldn't make the next dare, which left Sniper and Spy. Sniper kinda missed his chance though, as he had completely zoned out to his happy place.

This was basically the exact same as the real world; only difference being the lack of Spies.

The RED Spy himself meanwhile stared thoughtfully at Sniper's worse-for-wear RV. Then he kicked Sniper in the shin for attention;

"I have a dare for you, Sniper," he announced in sing song. Sniper shoved his hat back so he could scowl at Spy and dare him to share. "You're going to love it," Spy assured, but Heavy muttered;

"This, I doubt." Pyro nodded, thumbs down. It and Heavy then fistbumped because they agreed on something for once.

"I dare you," Spy ignored them and went on, "to take your repulsive van to the city and set up a mobile lemonade stand. But of course, _it won't be lemonade._" Sniper caught on quickly,

"Aw spook that's just gross…"

"You're the one who pees in jars," the miraculously revived Soldier commented, sitting up. The team seemed to accept this as just one of those things Soldier did.

Anyhow, Sniper still looked a bit pissed about his dare. Piss, ha ha, that's funny. Hm.

Well fact of the matter was he had to do it or else… uh, or else… I don't even- HE HAD TO DO IT M'KAY. Engy addressed the major problem;

"As fun as that sounds, Spy, how're we gonna get a van through the teleporter?" The seven men and Pyro stared at him for a couple of seconds. "Oh, sure. Make old Engy figure out the technical stuff."

"Y'know you love it," Demoman said, and the Engineer got to work because it was true.

Fifteen minutes later, the REDs were crammed into the RV, and Sniper peered through the windshield.

"Y'sure about this, mate?"

The adapted teleporter leaned lazily against the wall ahead.

"'Course!" Engy reassured. Sniper shrugged and drove at the wall. "Worst case scenario is the teleporter malfunctions and we crash!" The Engineer finished brightly.

"WHAT!?" And then it looked like that scene from _Back to the Future _as Sniper hit the teleporter. By what was likely a dumb fluke, the RV full of REDs exploded into-

~CITY ONE~

"Yay we're here!" Scout shattered the stunned silence and thwacked Engy on the back, "Nice job pal!"

"I'm excited for zhis," Medic grinned evilly, as though he had some morbid curiosity about what happened when one confused jarate and lemonade. Sniper glowered at him and put the trophy belt on his hat for a confidence boost.

Next he went around and opened the back door with some difficulty as the other mercs piled out. Turns out Spy had gone to the liberty of making a sign somehow during the four second trip. Heavy slowly read it;

"'Free lemonade, ask the crazy bushman for a jar'. Huh." Spy smiled proudly; a couple of classes sniggered.

Sniper resigned himself to a tragic fate of jarate related death and set to it. He got back in the RV and – subtly trying to knock down the team – drove along the street. Before long he encountered a poor, unsuspecting pedestrian and pulled over.

A simply exchange of pleasantries later, Sniper gave them a jar.

"Jarate's the, ah, brand name," Sniper mumbled as the person examined the label. The rest of the mercs had taken over nearby benches to watch and waved at the Sniper, who returned rather a different gesture.

In doing this he hadn't noticed the civvie took a drink. They had, erm, expelled the beverage instantaneously.

"EVERYBODY RUN!" Sniper slammed the RV into gear and reversed rapidly back up the street. Unsure what else to do, the REDs pounced on the roof like freaking jockeys and rode it to the next street, where Sniper was forced to chose another victim.

Oh God no not a little kid, Snipes really…

Hating Spy and himself a little bit, Sniper offered the wee kid a jar of 'lemonade'.

I really hope you readers aren't too grossed out. I'm ashamed, have a happy moment.

The team gaped in blank bewilderment as the child had a drink and skipped away contentedly in a style frightfully similar to Pyro. The others had to stop it from following actually. Sniper leaned out the window to shrug at his teammates, then started to cruise on through the city.

"Gave jars of piss to people…" Medic added another crime to the list. Then he realised everyone pursued the RV and dashed off after them.

There was only one guy on the next road, so by the power of the dare Sniper needed to make him the third customer. Unfortunately said guy looked kinda hard.

Sniper meekly offered him some jarate and watched uneasily as the guy downed it. The support class winced as the guy yelled something about it tasting like piss and hurriedly wound up the window as Spy helpfully called out that's what jarate really was.

The guy punched clean through the window and the entire RED team screamed like little girls.

Sniper grabbed the last of his jar based karate and mercilessly attacked the guy with it. The mercs full on dolphin dived into the RV as Sniper hit the gas and fled toward respawn.

Upon seeing the guy chase them on a bloody motor bike, Pyro decided it didn't like chase scenes after all. Heavy though came up with a splendid idea.

He threw Scout at the guy's face.

The RV travelled safely back through the teleporter, and even though Scout ran through half a minute later nobody knows what actually happened back there.

Maybe it's time for the penultimate dare…

* * *

**... Sorry about that :p**

**Thanks for reviewing! :D**

**(Ooh, I don't own Back To The Future)**


	9. Chapter 9- The Fight

Chapter Nine! The Fight

~RED BASE~

The nine mercs had anxiously hidden behind the parked RV, weapons drawn, in case the hard guy followed them through the teleporter. When a good ten minutes passed they called it safe and returned jauntily to the central room.

Pyro went and found more pillows from… somewhere. It preceded to comfy-upgrade everybody's chair whether they wanted it or not.

Except Soldier- he attacked Pyro when it tried to. The pair of them wrestled in the background as the team reflected on the previous dare. *Collective shudder*

"Safe ta say we're never goin' there again," the Demoman said solemnly. Heavy looked horrified;

"I'll never drive truck again…" He pouted, and Medic gave him another pillow.

Still, the important topic was the next dare, so they moved onto that. Most of them anyway, some had lost interest.

"Anythin' in mind for Spy, Sniper?" Engy asked, making sure Teddy was comfortable. Sniper nodded slowly, aviator-shielded glare boring into the suddenly nervous Spy. Medic adjusted his specs;

"I have a rival in creepy stares…" he muttered, "Unacceptable." Sniper arched an eyebrow in the doctor's direction, then turned his attention back to Spy and voiced his dare,

"Mate, I dare ya to fight a crocodile. No weapons." Soldier showed immediate approval,

"YES! That is a man's dare!"

Spy seemed a smidge less certain. He actually paled a little bit.

"N- no weapons, you say." He received a 'yup'. "Fight a crocodile. I see."

"Heh heh, Spy's dead," Scout smirked, air-fiving Sniper. Medic was quickly pissed off by the intensity of Spy's glare at the young merc, grumbling how that was his thing.

Of course Spy had bigger concerns on his mind at the mo. Eventually he came to a happy conclusion though and smugly said;

"We have no way of _getting _to a crocodile. Nice try." The Engineer sighed,

"They found me a river. They'll find you a crocodile." He played a short foreboding tune on his guitar for effect.

With that the REDs had one of their extensive thinking sessions. Some of them wore hats for the occasion.

"Oh! I just remembered!" Scout announced, "There's a crocodile livin' in our old crappy base!"

"Oh ye- wait what?" the Demoman did a double take. Pyro explained the situation but no one could make heads or tails of what it was saying. How sad. Being hardwired to hate Spies, Engy beamed,

"Reckon w'best get goin' then!" The REDs echoed his smile and ushered Spy out the door.

They only realised it was actually just a hole in the wall after they left.

Nevertheless they marched along in single file (for whatever reason) in the general direction of their little base.

Soldier tried to start some kind of military chant whilst Scout attempted to make them do the wave. Heavy clunked their heads together.

Of course, Soldier had a helmet on, so Medic sorta needed to fix Scout's skull. MEANWHILE;

"I gotta funny feelin' this'll be my favourite chapter," the Sniper commented absently to the Spy.

"I'm glad you're having fun," Spy grumbled, perhaps insincerely. Sniper decided to get away from this French buzzkill and joined the other mercs as they swaggered on.

Just when Spy figured he couldn't possibly get any angrier, the rain began to fall. MANLY SHEETS OF DEVASTATING RAIN.

"Ooh perfect!" Soldier almost squeed, "way to set the mood, weather!"

Spy facepalmed.

The team slogged through the already marshy meadow – past the place that haunted house supposedly was – and eventually dragged themselves into the woods. It provided little cover for the mercs, so maybe the nine of them hustled a tad too swiftly into the old base.

Hence why they were, to say the least, startled by the existence of a crocodile in there. Sniper seemed to be cool with this but everyone else – particularly Spy – were less than happy, and they slid back into the hallway.

Fortunately the crocodile, in the central room, didn't see the REDs and went back to whatever it was doing. Sniper gestured for Spy to do the dare by pretending to punch and strangle Scout.

Spy blanched, straightened his tie, and strode into the room.

"Monsieur Crocodile," he called politely. The RED team blinked. "Now, I don't intend to provoke you, but I've been dared to fight you. Therefore-"

"Spy quit sweet-talkin' the bloody croc and attack!" Sniper yelled. The metaphorical fist of dares bludgeoned Spy and launched him at the crocodile. A lot of bad French was thrown around.

Unsure what else to do, Spy flung a punch at the crocodile's face. Insert useless 'thud'.

"I REQUIRE ASSISTANCE!" Spy yelped, dodging a retaliation. All he could hear in response- Schadenfreude.

Spy rapidly considered different fighting techniques, and in panicked haste he chose one at random. That was the fateful day Spy learned he couldn't do a roundhouse kick. It was also the day he got freaking bitten by a crocodile.

Medic debated healing him, but the hurting was so much more rewarding.

Meanwhile the rather heavily bleeding Spy escaped by circling the table multiple times. The unimpressed croc simply watched on as the merc pointlessly fled. _Then came the surprise attack!_

"Meet your death, foul beast!" he commanded, making the other mercs exchange puzzled glances. For some unspecified motive, Spy tackled the crocodile then _headbutted it._ "BWA HA HA ah…"

Next thing everybody knew the croc had caught Spy in a swing of its tail and the RED sailed ungracefully into the far wall. The Sniper and Engineer didn't bother to hide their sniggers.

Something snapped inside Spy at that moment. And not just his ribs.

He abruptly sprung from his backside and executed a flawless triple front flip and then super jumped back across the room. He followed up by dropkicking the crocodile, much to the derpy amazement of the team.

But then… the poor wee croc _cried_. Guilt, a somewhat forgotten feeling, stirred inside Spy. Automatically he hugged the crocodile in apology; only to suddenly have his head snapped off.

The crocodile slipped on a pair of shades and turned to the stunned RED team. In perfect English, with a badass accent, he said,

"Crocodile tears, *BEEP*" He walked casually away to take a nap.

Engy wordlessly pulled out the Eureka effect and the eight mercs whooshed off to meet Spy at respawn.

It's probably just as well there's only one dare to go…

* * *

**I DON'T EVEN**

**THANKS FOR READING!**


	10. Chapter 10- The Finale

**Hey all! :D**

**So my _sixteenth birthday _seemed a good time for the finale :p**

* * *

Chapter Ten! The Finale

~CENTRAL ROOM~

So here they were. Against all odds, the RED team of misadventurers had survived(ish) to the final dare; only one merc to make it, only one to receive it.

Scout, Soldier, Pyro, Demoman, Heavy, Engy, Medic, Sniper, Spy, and the fed up Teddy Roosebelt returned to the trashed central room and found places to sit down.

As expected the Spy made a point of staying at least ten feet away from the Sniper. It wasn't like he had _meant _to set his teammate to fight such a badass, educated crocodile. Did he…?

Sniper winked at the forth wall as the Soldier started to pace thoughtfully;

"Gimme a minute, I gotta think of a really good finale…" he paced with more purpose. Demoman mumbled something about another drink and left the room.

Now that so many walls were down, the mercs found places much more easily, as each floor was ideally one room. So, in actuality, the destruction was a good thing! Right…

The Heavy glanced around for a moment then asked his team;

"Should we repair base?" Someone sneezed and a scrap of roof came down. "Before it kills us."

"Nah, not now. We could prob'ly get another spinoff with that," the Scout pointed out. The others were likely about to show some form of agreement when the Demoman returned and Soldier suddenly shouted,

"YOU." Demoman looked side to side then pointed to himself for confirmation. "Yes, you! Your mission is simple; build and test drive a FLYING MACHINE!"

Engy perked up at the very mention of 'build' but Demo just groaned and chugged his drink. The team waited patiently (well, Pyro was obliviously constructing a tower of playing cards) for the demolitions expert to finish.

Eventually, he slammed the bottle down – accidently smashing it – and belched loudly. Yup, now he was drunk enough.

"Let's do it!" he cried, heading for the nearest exit. The offense classes whooped and rushed after him, and before long the Engineer got too excited and followed.

Medic, Heavy, Sniper and Spy boringly stayed behind.

"…Ve should make sandviches." Medic suggested after a pause. Sniper and Heavy nodded like they didn't really care either way, and the doctor led the way to the kitchen.

Spy seemed conflicted; he could join them, or remain where he was and replicate certain memes by smoking. He picked the latter.

The other half of the REDs arrived outside, and the Demoman was scratching a clumsy plan into the dirt with a stick. Everyone squinted as they tried to decipher the drawing. Engy almost wept at how bad it was.

"Uh, Demo?" Scout pointed at part of the sketch with his toes, "Da Hell is that?" Demoman guffawed,

"That's the _wing _laddie." The Engineer blinked;

"Just the one, then?"

And Demoman never nodded more proudly.

Soldier never laughed more manically.

"Today is a good day," he looked around the sky with new respect and sniffed contentedly. The Demoman made 'Imma punch you' gestures in his direction then set off to start building his flying machine. Engy tried not to feel jealous, wishing Soldier had chosen his dare.

Still, it'd be fun to see Demo fail, so there was that at least. The cyclops himself raided the base garage and returned with a bunch of random junk.

BUILDING MONTAGE GO!

Everyone dove for cover as Demoman whipped out his grenade launcher and blew the scrap parts into 'more manageable sizes', though the team was led to believe he did it purely for fun.

Next he had the super-intelligent idea of gathering all the heaviest items and using those. Somehow – somehow – he used a combination of explosives and sheer willpower to construct the base of his flying machine, which struck an odd resemblance in shape to a hotdog.

As he went off to collect materials for the wing the mercs judged his efforts.

"It's… well, it's unique," Engy offered, already calculating several reasons why that thing wouldn't fly.

"It's stupid," was Soldier's blunt opinion. Pyro seemed impartial but Scout had a peculiar view;

"It's AWESOME!"

No one expanded on that because the Demoman arrived with- uh. What.

"Check it oot! I found a car door!" … Now when you say 'found', Demo…? "Well. It fell off your truck, Engy. After I y'know, made it."

Ah. See, if only we had a distraction-

"Mentlegen!" That sounds even weirder when Sniper says it. "W'got sammiches!"

Once again hostility vanished as the eight REDs had an impromptu sandvich feast. Spy stood alone in the base. It was such a sad prospect he suddenly warped outside, not of his own accord, and joined the team. There.

Anyhow as everyone nommed their lunch the Demoman got to attaching the car door/wing to his potentially successful (that's a lie) flying machine.

To do this he borrowed Pyro's flame thrower and used total lack of experience in welding to his advantage. In the end his flying machine bore the general appearance of four tonnes of melted metal with a tiny cushy chair plonked on top. Tut, tut, Demoman, why no seatbelt?

"Is time to fly," Heavy choked up a little, the sheer emotion of this beautiful moment grating on them all. There was one practical problem yet though.

Somehow the mercs needed to carry the contraption to the sniping platform, or 'launch pad' as Soldier insisted upon.

"Right, maggots!" The said crazy RED summoned, "Our best bet is to pick it up- and RUN FOR GLORY!"

As usual such advice was all it took for the team to be on board. They galloped like magical ponies to their positions and grabbed hold of the still-toasty machine. The nine of them nodded in a circle and heaved!

…

Nothing happened.

Then Heavy realised he was actually lifting some dead robots and corrected his mistake. Then the machine MOVED! About three inches.

~TIME LAPSE WHOO~

Night fell once more, and the moon made sure to glare mockingly down on the RED sniping platform. The team eventually managed to drag the flying machine up to the balcony; the dare- ON!

The Demoman donned his Celtic crown and jumped into the driver seat. He gripped the steering-wheel-that-wasn't-attached-to-anything and gave the order to go.

"HELL YEAH!" the mercs screeched, charging and shoving the flying machine off the edge. With a horrid screeching noise the haphazard machine slid into the air. Everyone collectively held a breath in anticipation.

It was a grand, grand moment. The nose of the flying machine sailed forward like a bird on the wing. (Subtle reference oh ho.) … (You got it, right?)

Ahem, the Demoman's invention soared, graceful, majestic, beautiful; its single wing did NOTHING TO SLOW ITS DEATH PLUMMET.

With a spectacular, ear-killing crash, the proud flying machine became a puddle of uselessness. Hell, that's what it always was. Engy only expressed one concern;

"Aw, mah truck door…" The team sighed – 'oh, Demo!' – and clambered down from the building. They were so tired that reaching the bottom floor filled the fifteen minutes it took their teammate to return from respawn. Soldier grinned, a hopelessly self-satisfied expression.

The Demoman couldn't decide if he wanted to hit him or go have a lie down, so he passed out and fell on him. With Soldier stuck under that deadweight, the team made the lazy choice of staying right where they were for the closing scene.

"Zhis vas actually quite fun," Medic mused, admiring Saxton's signature on his forearm.

"Speak for yourself…" Spy muttered, wiping invisible dust from his suit. Heavy threw a pillow at his face because 'no one says things like that to doctor'. For once he didn't have to beat up Scout too because the younger merc agreed with his precious Medic;

"Yeah! I'm glad I hit ya with a baseball, big guy," Scout gave a thumbs up to the ball in the corner.

Only Pyro could see the thing beam in pride.

Sniper ignored everyone completely and thought of bad jarate and badass crocodiles.

So it would seem like, just as the Engineer wanted from the beginning, the RED team were getting along fine. Engy smiled a genuine, heartfelt smile, and Teddy Roosebelt nodded wisely.

Things were looking up here! Maybe, of all things, their days of misadventures were over. Engy sighed happily, reckoning things could only get better.

Then the roof caved in around them.

Damn.

* * *

**That's that then :p**

**Thanks so much for reading everyone! :D**

**Your review are awesome!**

**Anywho, I can't message you guests out there, so have a thank you here, Wepul and Guest! :3**

**See ya for more spinoffs in the future! Bye!**


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